Return of The King

I was expecting my government to be highly inefficient, in light of their performance in past 30 months, but I must say that I was wrong. Mr. President’s response was much quicker than most in the league. Previously this award was held by Mr. Rehman Malik for changing statements, Mr. FarhatUllah Babar for denying any allegation and Mr. Altaf BAHI for condemning every incident that happens in Pakistan.

The king has returned to his land. And after returning, it is very likely that he will address the nation. Anticipating this, I decided to write what he might say, including some explanation of his text. This will help in creating better understanding between the king and his subjects. So, let us see, what our king has to say to us.

In The name of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The most Merciful

My fellow countrymen, Assalam-o-aAlaikum

When I was in London, the weather over there reminded me of my beloved country (Switzerland). The rain used to sink my heart whenever I thought about my fellow countrymen in such a disaster. I want to share the grief of those who lost their families (Oh Please!). I want to tell them that I can feel their pain, because my loved ones have also departed while making sacrifices for this country (here we go again). I lost my Father-in-law through courts. My two brothers-in-law were also assassinated. My wife, Shaheed Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto, was martyred by the extremists, and YET, I never stopped giving my services to this country (you are such a manipulator).

I spent 10 years in jail for the crimes that I did not commit. (It was in jail where he was taught about the con-art, trumps and Punjabi language). When I was released, I led my party to a win by majority in Feb, 08 elections. People trusted in us (they don’t trust anymore!). They gave us mandate to serve them for five years (it was a mandate not a tender notice or a govt. contract). And inshAllah, with the help of God and those buried in Nodero, our government will complete its tenure.

I know that some elements in media have joined hands with the Establishment to conspire against me. And I want to let them know that I am not afraid of anyone (including God). But, I want to tell my fellow Pakistanis that these elements are actually conspiring against the democracy, justice and welfare of Pakistani people (look who’s talking!). They criticized my foreign visit and advertised it as a wrong and insensitive political move on my behalf.

I want my fellow countrymen to realize the importance of our relations with France and UK. Your President has some unfinished business in the courts of these countries. And as a nation, we would suffer great embarrassment if he is dragged into those courts at some point of time. In addition to this, it is also a fact that they always provide us “aid”. This is something that these conspirators will never consider because of their disregard for the national solidarity.

I want to ask them, why are they doing all this? Is this because I am elected by the people of Pakistan? Or is it because everyone in my family has died for democracy? (you should also write a biography like hitler's Mein Kampf aka My Struggle. Seriously.)

During my recent visit, I practiced much caution, but they still managed to malign me. Even though, I didn’t flirt with anyone on live TV, didn’t drink publicly, my associates were not caught in some unusual places and, even, the lady guides were paid in advance, unlike in Turkey where our high commission got our accounts frozen as a punishment for not paying the ladies.

First, they hired paid labourers to protest against me but I ensured the fair play (by hiring jiyalas with government budget). Then, they spread the rumour that someone threw a shoe at me. Although it was denied by the govt. officials but some channels still aired the news, on account of some random eye-witnesses. In this way, they actually challenged the credibility of our govt. and I am glad to hear that some youngsters of Karachi protested “peacefully” against those channels. We need more of such youth for the bright future of Pakistan.

I must inform my fellow citizens that my visit was still a success in spite of so much criticism. And, I also managed to collect £7m as relief funds (it would have been better if bilawal were to collect these funds while you had returned. If he cannot do THAT then I am afraid, you should have a second thought before serving him our country in a dish. Perhaps it would have been a lot better if you could have donated this meager amount from your own pocket).

In the end, I also want to warn PML (N) and other allied parties to stop exploiting people’s emotions. This unfortunate tragedy should not be used for political motives (perhaps they should just sit on their cozy sofas like PPP ministers, instead of helping the affected). People should know that government is doing, whatever it can, to help the people(Is that the best you can do!).

I would like to end my speech with prayers for those who died (and also for those who fortunately survived. Prayer is all they can get from him).

Pakistan Khappay, Khappay, Khappay

(Oh wait a minute! I thought the speech was about the recent floods)

Disclaimer:
This article represents writer's own thoughts and none of it is spoken by our beloved king. We all pray to God to give him a long life (elsewhere).

The problem with our leaders is, as mentioned by Javed Choudhary, that they categorize the issues as those of people and those of govt. And the later always take a priority.